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By Freya Scott-Turner, The Croft Deputy Editor

The Croft Magazine // If you haven't the foggiest what present to get for that person you live with, read on...

Christmas is once again upon us, and with it that timeless group-bonding exercise that always sounds fun but IRL equates to untold hours of stress and exertion. No, it’s not stick and poke tattoos or paintballing - it’s the flat secret Santa of course! Whether your flat are still keeping it locked together or are participating via the medium of the postal service, having dispersed back to your various tiers; never fear. I’ve reduced the entire Bristol student population down to five crude and derivative stereotypes that’ll have you covered for all eventualities. So, take note of these inspired gift ideas and save your perspiration for that Christmas Day Articulate match.

The 'DJ' - Now That's What I Call Music CD

NoW That's What I Call Music 107 CD, £13 | Argos

Let’s face it, there’s no point trying to please this highly cultured person. God forbid they’re seen listening to anyone you’ve actually heard of. This ironic little gift screams ‘Haha, I’ve played you at your own game! And I’ve won!’ While they’ll never admit it - not even to themselves - somewhere deep in their subconscious is a tiny Harry Styles fan jumping up and down to ‘Watermelon Sugar’, waiting to be unleashed.

The Slob - Dishmatic washing-up scrubber

Washing-up scrubber, £1.50 | Wilko

Forget the scores of items heralded as the best thing since sliced bread, these little soap-filled miracles are the real deal. I’m gluten-free, so I’d actually say they’re better. Watch your flat’s answer to the Big Lebowski transform from “Dude” into a washing-up junkie before your very eyes. Goodbye festering plate-piles of misery!

The Ghost - Uber Eats gift card

Uber Eats Gift Card | Uber 

Everyone likes food. And while you’re not even 100% sure that this flatmate actually eats – they may well be photosynthesising in there – the takeaway boxes that you’ve spied them hauling out to the communal bin once a month under the cover of darkness suggest this may well be the perfect gift.

The One You Don't Like - Cheap chocolate

Matchmakers, £1 | Wilko 

Ah, high street chocolate. So cheap, so beautifully impersonal. For a third of the price of a meal deal, you can convey to your least favourite person that you spent exactly four and a half seconds and the efforts of two brain cells choosing their gift. On the off-chance that they don’t like Zingy Orange, a famously divisive flavour, you’ve just added salt to the wound. Mwahah.

The One from London - UK counties scratch map

UK Counties Scratch Map, £13.95 | Amazon 

Who’s to say a gift can’t double us as an educational tool? Watch your metropolitan mate’s eyes widen in wonder as they discover the secret corners of this quaint little island. Since they look on Northerners as one would a species of exotic bird, they’ll likely glean much from discovering the existence of places like Cumbria or East Riding of Yorkshire.

Featured Image: Unsplash / Sheri Hooley

What are you buying for your secret Santa?

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