Pillow talk sex column: Intimacy

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By Carrie Brizshaw, sex columnist

The Croft Magazine // Have you ever gotten ‘intimate’? Okay, but have you really? It’s a strange word and no one has the same definition. I believe that we all define intimacy as we have experienced it and as we wish to experience it. My personal definition is that it is the closeness you feel to another person; the comfort and trust that allows you to truly be yourself around other people.

You might hear the phrase ‘get intimate’ used to simply mean ‘have sex’, but I believe this is a misappropriation of the word. Intimacy is developed through time and care. This of course doesn’t just extend to sexual partners, but when it comes to sex, it’s what makes it mind-blowing.

Intimacy can lead to incredible physical sensations. It’s something to be nurtured in a sexual setting. Intimacy does not have to just be with a committed partner, it can be with one-night-stands, FWBs and casual partners.

You might find you have immediate intimacy with someone, while with other people nerves and predispositions may prevent it being there at the start. Here are a few ways to build intimacy:

Eye Contact:

This is often said to be one of the most intimate parts of sex. Resist the urge to turn the lights off and make use of the lack of darkness to stare into your partner’s eyes. The closeness will feel amazing (even if there is initial awkwardness).

Communication:

Just like trust, good sex is about communication. This communication is important before, during and after you get down to it. Free yourself up to tell your partner what you really enjoy in the bedroom and share some of your deepest fantasies with them. While getting it on, tell them what does and doesn’t feel good. Afterwards discuss what happened and how it made you feel. Opening this channel of communication builds intimacy and brings a whole new dimension to your connection.

Appreciate the whole body:

In sex it is easy to just focus on the classics (1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 3, 5, 4, 3, 2, 2, 2, 4, 6, 2, 4, 6, 2, 4, 6, 4, 2, 2, 4, 7, 5, 7, 6, 7, 7! 7! 7!!!). Intimacy can be built by slowing sex down and moving away from the traditional erogenous zones. Focus on every inch of the skin and don’t leave a single stone unturned. This intense exploration builds trust and deepens your connection with your partner.

Trust:

Trust has been a common theme throughout this article. Without trust there cannot be intimacy. If you trust your partner, it is easier to take sex further than you thought was possible.

Although everyone knows that trust is earnt, there are a couple ways to speed up the process. A great way to build trust with a partner of any kind is to cook together. The teamwork creates a supportive environment and allows you to get to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. This might not work for one-night-stands however (sorry, would you mind just putting that a way quick? I would love to hop to the kitchen and make a three-course meal together).

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