By Carrie Brizshaw, The Croft's Sex Columnist
The Croft Magazine // Carrie tackles sex in isolation and shares what went down when she was forced to abstain.
Having been a drama queen my whole life, I just want to confirm that I am not exaggerating when I say the devil himself tried to take me and my girls out. Let me explain. Everybody has that toxic ex, but my friend’s ex is like no other; he is Satan personified. Recently, they had a night of passion but unfortunately for us, he failed to disclose to her that he had tested positive for COVID-19. So, by the time the weekend rolled by, my friend tested positive and we all had to self-isolate.
The only option for me now was to make my boyfriend isolate with me. In my mind, I was imagining a sort of honeymoon bliss - with sex, sex and more sex on the cards. But if you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know that sex can become a routine. It was like we were actors acting out the same script on how to initiate sex, the positions and the orgasm. I mean I wasn’t complaining, at least I had a lockdown love.
My flatmates who also had to self-isolate were stuck on dating apps matching with boys just to escape the inevitable daily boredom. Having spoken to a friend who was not isolating with her boyfriend, I learnt that self-isolation actually improved their sex life. Withholding sex should really be used more in relationships; if you’ve ever watched Peep Show (2003-15), you know it’s the ultimate taboo, according to Nancy. Once that routine gets broken, suddenly it’s like the first time you ever had sex with your partner, all over again.
The funny thing was that for me I had no choice but to withhold sex. If you have read my first article, you will know about my undying love for lube.
But sometimes, it’s the things you love most that come and bite you in the genitals. A new lube left me and my boyfriend with an allergic reaction and thus out of action. What resulted was nights of passionate dry humping and frustration that we just couldn’t fuck. It left me starving for more. The night we finally had sex was honestly the best I ever had. It made me think of that post-breakup sex that always hits the mark. I can’t delve into the details otherwise we’d be up all night, just like I was.
You’re probably wondering what my friends were up to during their isolation. Nothing. Not a thing or person to do. So, it came as no surprise to me that two of them became total ‘horn-dogs’. Their levels of horniness reached new heights and straight after they were released, they did what they had to do. Both completed an impressive hat trick, sleeping with three different guys in three days.
I have no idea how they will survive with this national lockdown.
Carrie's top tips:
If you don’t have a lockdown love, this is your next best thing. My personal favourite is the Naked Grapefruit vibrator which comes with free vegan goodies. It will rock your world and more. Never has it made me squirt more than during lockdown.
In preparation for your release, you need to build up a roster of men. Nothing is more COVID-19-safe than online dating where you can chat up potentials in the palm of your hand.
Featured Image: Artwork / Lizzie Burgess
Find The Croft Magazine inside every copy of Epigram Newspaper