By Anna Johnson, Fourth Year, English and French
In an era of instant messaging, Anna Johnson discusses the roles of ghosting, boundaries and communication in maintaining meaningful friendships.
In the words of the poet Andrea Cohen - ‘how cavalier people are with language and with silence.’
According to the Thriving Center of Psych, 84 percent of people have been ghosted, but don’t feel too sorry for them yet, because 65 percent of this group have ghosted someone else. There’s an empathy gap between leaving others on read versus being left on read. When I do it, it’s because I need a break from this overwhelming era of instant messaging and my mental sanctity comes first. When others do it to me, it’s because they are unbelievably rude. In today’s digital landscape, the new left-on-read is to be left on delivered. I would argue it’s worse to check for a response from a friend and be met with ‘delivered one week ago’, whilst seeing them post life updates. I’m sure I’m guilty of it too, but like I say, when I do it, it’s completely understandable.
I spoke to Anna Goldfarb, an author specialising in the nuances of friendships, about leaving your friends on read. She responded by saying ‘it’s important to reduce uncertainty with your close friends, so tell them in advance if you cannot reply to messages, […] it’s nice to consider your friends’ needs like that. It makes them feel valued’. This is true. It does hurt my feelings to see a message left unopened for a long time and doubtlessly will do the same for others. On my behalf, it’s never malicious and life just gets in the way sometimes. It depends on the norm you have established with your friends. For example, I have some friends who will take a while to respond due to their busy lifestyles, but when we get a chance, we make quality time for each other and make sure to ask thoughtful questions about the other’s life to show that we want to be up to date, and that we care. On the other hand, I have experienced friendships with notoriously bad texters, and whilst that used to be a funny quirk, now, it just doesn’t feel like there is enough communication to justify the friendship as ongoing.
It can be particularly difficult to move from each other’s pockets at school or university, to different cities with opposing schedules. Your relationship shifts from turning to the seat next to you in class or knocking on the room down the corridor, to typing out faceless, voiceless messages. Suddenly, you can count on one hand how many times you’ve spoken to them in the last month, compared with knowing the ins-and-outs of their every day. No wonder the more light-hearted friendships tend to fade away with distance.
Anna introduced me to the concept of tiered friendship, first suggested by anthropologist Robin Dunbar, which is as follows:
Intimate friends: one to two people.
Best friends: three to five.
Close friends: 50.
Sporadic friends: 150.
Anna suggests prioritising the top three categories, paying special attention to the first two. It might seem harsh to put people into boxes, but it can help if you’re prone to people-pleasing. If you’re looking to end a friendship, ghosting might be the easiest way out, but it certainly isn’t the kindest. Based on this, Anna doesn’t recommend ghosting anybody in the top three tiers. Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, explains the three main methods for ending a friendship; speaking directly, ‘quiet quitting,’ and ghosting. ‘Ghosting is the most cruel way to end a friendship,’ Nina told me. ‘There is a kindness in being clear so that your former friend, a person who was close to you, does not have to wait and wonder about the friendship.’ If you are just a lazy texter, that's okay. ‘You’re not obligated to reply to anyone who messages you!’ Anna insists. ‘It’s up to you to decide which relationships you want to invest in.’ Just be aware that if you haven’t responded to a close friend in a long time, they might underestimate how important they are to you.
On the other hand, this topic also poses the question: Is ghosting ever okay? It’s likely that we’ve all been in a situation where somebody misjudges their relationship with you and it can be awkward to impose necessary boundaries. Leaving people on read for a few days too long is easily done, but ghosting is different. If it’s unwanted romantic attention and they’re crossing your boundaries when you haven’t built any kind of a relationship, I’m always pro-ghost. As Anna reminded me, ‘ghosting is acceptable if there isn’t an expectation of close contact.’ If they aren’t being creepy, I always think a customary ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ is polite. Or you could try honesty, I’ve heard it’s all the rage at the moment.
‘Nobody is owed an instant response,’ Nina reassures. ‘However, if you’re not going to respond promptly to friends, then it’s important not to expect prompt responses.’ Now aware of my hypocrisy, I suppose I’ll keep the tiered friend response system in mind for the future.
How long do you leave your friends on read for?
