By Hana Sakurai Wernham, First Year English
When the Mesopotamians looked up into the big night sky and mapped the twinkling constellations, they thought they had it all figured out. Little did they know that astrology would some two thousand years later be considered a pseudoscience employed only to excuse the worst of human behaviour. ‘Sorry I ran over your dog, it’s because I’m a Pisces!’
Luckily for them, a far more accurate measure of character would be developed: the Pizzarova scale. Sorry Ancient Iraqi polymaths, but one’s taste in pizza reveals much more than the stars ever will.
So here is my (scientific, definitive and peer-reviewed) list: this is what your Pizzarova order says about your music taste.
Marinara
Marinara is a margarita pizza with extra sauce and without the cheese, which is the best bit, in my opinion. If this is your go-to your music taste is supremely basic, but somehow also a bit off-kilter.
You love all the TikTok hits (which is fair), but you only listen to the 15-second sped-up version in-app (which is baffling). Just get a margarita like everyone else and stream the whole song on Spotify. You don’t have to be weird about it.
Double chorizo hot honey
This is Pizzarova’s most popular pizza, so it must be doing something very right. Hot honey has shot up in popularity in the last few years, just as pop princess Chappell Roan has achieved meteoric success since her debut album in 2023.
Chappell’s cheesy '80s synths and drippingly sweet vocals are the honey on her musical pizza. But she’s spicy too – refusing to be pushed around by paparazzi on the red carpet: she’s rightfully bringing some zing to Hollywood culture.
And the poet-master of lyrics like, ‘I heard you like magic, I’ve got a wand and a rabbit!’, her spiciness is palpable – I’ll take one hot to go!
Spiced vegan 'lamb'
If you’re a self-proclaimed Morrissey fan, this is the only thing you’re allowed to order, sorry! You’d be compromising your morals otherwise – 'Meat Is Murder', after all.
The spice in Chappell Roan’s hot honey constituted flirty sex appeal, but I’m not sure the same can be said for an aged, topless Morrissey with a rose in his mouth.
The tickle in the back of the throat from the spiced ‘lamb’ is the stifled cough you choke on when you see the ex-The Smiths singer clad in fascist iconography or spewing racist hate speech. Ah.
Anchovies, Kamalata olives and capers
This one’s for the salty girls. It’s quite a particular taste, but you know what you like. This saline bouquet calls for the queen of art rock – Kate Bush. The vinegary flavours are intense, just like Bush’s full-throttle, wide-eyed theatricality.
But those jaunty melodies are addictive – in the same way it’s impossible to eat just one olive, you can’t listen to just one track from The Kick Inside.
Despite its popularity (and objective goodness), some people don’t get along with this pizza, making excuses like the flavour is too intense: 'she’s a bit much, she’s just shrieking!' I suppose we didn’t all understand The Dreaming on our first listen, but olives are a grown-up flavour so rest assured your taste buds will mature soon.
Ham, mushrooms and pineapple jam
I considered invoking the age-old pineapple on pizza debate here, but ultimately decided against it because who actually cares?
This controversial topping is only really controversial if you’re really scrambling for a freshers week icebreaker (‘my fun fact is I actually love pineapple on pizza!’) or otherwise have run out of interesting things to say.
If this is your order, you are probably a militant Blur v Oasis warrior and enjoy fuelling the flames of debates made with wet firewood, by which I mean there’s not much point in engaging. Both Blur and Oasis have their merits, there’s no need to sew unnecessary division now. We all know that Pulp is better anyway.
So next time you go to Pizzarova, look around you and admire the diverse canopy of culinary and musical tastes.
If you disagree with my assessments, try the special which changes every month – it’s a fertile, untilled landscape with no stereotypes attached (yet). What does herby vitelotti potatoes on a pizza mean to you? You can shape perceptions; you have the power! Go forth and dine!
Featured Image: Benji ChapmanWhat is your go to Pizzarova order?
