By Sagal Khalif, Second Year, Law
In a bold move applauded by exactly zero people, Redland-based landlord Arnold Wette has replaced the longstanding black mould in one of his student properties with a more ‘ethnically-ambiguous’ shade of green mould, in what he describes as a significant step towards climate-responsible housing. 'We’re all about greener living’.
‘This isn't about cutting corners’ said Wette, who refuses to be called a landlord, claiming the term is ‘too capitalist’, opting, rather, to be known as a ‘property custodian’. ‘It’s all about building a regenerative relationship between humans and nature, something we lost with the introduction of tenant protection laws.’
Wette currently charges £250 pppcm for a 7-bedroom maisonette in the heart of Redland, coming fully furnished with original 1970s carpets and two mushrooms, a price that seems likely to increase with his new initiative.
When asked if tenants had reported ongoing health issues, Wette readjusted the goggles of his PPE gear; ‘they’re students. They’re supposed to cough. Builds resistance for their nights out. Also, if they’re coughing, it means their lungs are working.’
Second-year Philosophy student Ella Chambers, who believes she has been living in the property since September, says she first raised the issue of mould ‘Sometime around, I want to say November? Could it be August?’. Pausing, she stared blankly at the wall. 'Honestly, it’s hard to remember anything these days. I haven’t had a coherent thought since Teaching Block One. The walls started growing black and now I can’t tell which memories are mine and which belong to the flat.’
In response to her initial complaints, Wette delivered a humidifier instead of the promised dehumidifier, along with a handwritten note suggesting she ‘lean into the air’s natural liquidity.’ He also provided some incense sticks, an Asthma + Lung UK pamphlet, and an invoice for cleaning fees.
‘Students don’t need solutions,’ Wette stated. ‘They need to try breathing properly. I breathe perfectly fine in that house.’
The landlord was last seen spreading a handful of chia seeds in a damp corner of the living room for the purpose of ‘textural variety’. In response to the ongoing complaints from students, the University has released a statement advising students to seek support if they are having issues with housing, and provided a helpful three–step process:
1. Email your landlord
2. Wait 2-3 months
3. Go to your A&E
Despite the pressure from the young tenants and the Student's Union alike, Wette has dismissed all allegations of neglect. ‘I’m not some Dickensian slumlord,’ he said whilst polishing a reclaimed wood clipboard. ‘I’m cultivating micro-environments. These kids are lucky, they're living inside a living thing. How many people in Redland can say that?’ According to a survey conducted by Epigram, it turns out pretty much all of them can.
Immediately after their respective interviews, Ella had forgotten who we were and asked if we were there to treat the mould in her room, and Wette had announced a rent increase for the following calendar month. Epigram reached out to him about this change, and he confirmed it was due to the mould enhancing the market-value.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Mr Wette has since requested a correction to the article, insisting the mould is 'chartreuse' and 'emotionally intelligent.' We regret the oversight.
*This article is satire, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental*
All images: Miles Gilroy
