Wellbeing Online Editor, Flora Doble, looks into the signs of and solutions to emotional dependency in relationships.
Emotional dependency, that is, a complete reliance on other(s) for one’s happiness and emotional wellbeing, is an issue that tarnishes many relationships, romantic or otherwise.
This affects an individual’s ability to form healthy relationships as their dependency dominates their interactions and expectations with other people.
However, emotional dependency is not always recognised for its toxicity, commonly misconstrued as ‘infatuation’ or ‘passion’.
In this article, I address some of the pressures and dangers of such an emotional reliance in hope that you, the reader, can reflect on your own relationships, emotional needs and supportive capabilities.
Ultimately, no one should be responsible for your own happiness or emotional wellbeing, nor should you be responsible for anyone else’s. Emotional dependency can be the result of an inner emptiness, one that you expect a partner or friend to fill by making you feel loved and happy.
Your emotions are your own, not always controllable or agreeable, but they are your property and no one else’s
Yet, to seek and expect happiness in things that surround you is a precarious business. If your emotional state and wellbeing is so dependent on someone else and they become unavailable, it would be as if you are pulling the foundations out from under a house.
Also, as the ‘supporter’ is the only one deemed capable of conferring happiness on the ‘dependent’, the dependent party might unfairly blame the ‘supporter’ for any negative mood they will inevitably feel.
Here, the key is to recognise happiness and mental wellbeing as not something bestowed upon us, nor as something we do or don’t deserve. Your emotions are your own, not always controllable or agreeable, but they are your property and no one else’s.
Of course, people will make you feel good and bad, you cannot isolate yourself form the effects of socialising. However, when a specific someone’s support or validation dictates your mood or you are consumed by someone else’s emotional wellbeing, it is important to recognise the relationship’s toxic dimension.
Moreover, consider the immense pressure on the supporting party, especially if they are aware of their pivotal role in the emotional wellbeing of the ‘dependent’.
For example, the ‘supporter’ may feel guilty if they cannot help the ‘dependent’ and worry that, without their support, their problems will never be resolved.
Indeed, such a feeling of guilt may mean that the supporting party will never ‘abandon’ their ‘dependent’, even if the situation is becoming mentally exhaustive, because they would feel personally responsible for any feelings of isolation or upset the ‘dependent’ might consequently feel.
In tandem, the ‘dependent’ may become resentful and spiteful if they are not provided with constant unconditional support and uplift as such has become an expectation, that is, a non-negotiable part of the relationship. Here, it becomes clear how damaging emotional dependency can be.
The pair must work together, being open and honest about their respective needs and supportive capabilities
However, such is not a simple give-take relationship. Often, the supporting party feels good about providing emotional support as, through this, they feel needed and helpful.
Such a dynamic, then, does not have a ‘powerful’ and a ‘powerless’ but, rather, both parties hold a special control over the other, making this unhealthy relationship particularly difficult to disentangle and address.
Indeed, tackling such a relationship is not about identifying a ‘bad guy’ as there isn’t necessarily one. Many don’t realise that they are in an emotionally dependent relationship and few are acting problematically on purpose.
Most often, emotional dependency arises out of genuine love, concern and trust for another person. Yet, this is so much so that neither can imagine life without the other and require their continual validation to feel good in themselves.
So, what is the solution? Like most relationship problems, communication is key. Emotional dependency is a two-way street so addressing it needs both parties to make a difference to their behaviour.
Crucially, the pair must work together, being open and honest about their respective needs and supportive capabilities.
By identifying how and why such a toxic dynamic was able to foster in the first place, the pair can take the necessary steps to make their relationship healthy and successful.
Featured Image: Unsplash
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