The Heating Games

By Leah Martindale, Film & TV Editor

The Croft Magazine // As cold wintry nights draw closer, there is one question on every student household’s cold, blue lips: when are we turning the heating on?

If you too are trying to decipher the cryptic myriad of communal living politics, here are a few top tips to help you translate the typing messenger bubbles and avoided eye-contact in the hallways…

Trickery

Pretend your boiler is a wavy new accessory, and setting it to 7am-9am and 6pm-9pm is the newest trend. Submit Briscrushes using your flatmate’s initials that pertain to going home with them, but only to a nice warm room - signed, of course, from their seminar Man Crush Monday’s initials. Announce in passing that you had childhood asthma and if your room gets damp and it resurfaces your lawyer Aunt/Uncle/Grandpa [insert living relative here] will be suing everyone involved. You seem like a smart reader, you can come up with something!

Pretend your boiler is a wavy new accessory, and setting it to 7am-9am and 6pm-9pm is the newest trend!

Blame Game

Just whack the heating on! Dial it on up, toast yourself like a beautiful pitta bread… and when your flatmates ask? Simply blame the landlord. ‘He must’ve come in while we were out! That guy is so nosy, it’s like, get a hobby man! Who knows how long it’s been on… might as well leave it on now then I guess.’ It’s a fool-proof plan! Even if someone emails the landlord to complain, it’s not like they actually reply to your emails, right?

Entrapment

Create a fake Taka Taka email account and send your entire flat fake discount vouchers that have to be collected in person at the restaurant. Once you’ve gathered them all there, you can stage an intervention to finally have your say. They’ll be trapped in by the immovable crowd queuing for food; and worse case scenario you can throw jalapenos at them if you’re struggling to get them to listen! (But avoid the eyes).

Alternate Heating Methods

There are so many ways of keeping warm that don’t cost a penny! Dance and exercise can really keep you warm. Since you’re already the house jester, begging daily in the group-chat for a 5 degree increase, why not go all out and do a fun jig for them! Warm blankets and jumpers, stolen from your flatmates’ rooms, will also work in a pinch. Why not try your dab hand at a small, manageable house-fire? Get creative!

Positive Attitude

If none of this works, try adopting a positive attitude. Look on the bright side! When your room is freezing cold you’ll appreciate your lumpy student bed all the more. It makes awkward family dinners all the more tolerable when you’re not wearing four jumpers just to get through them. A stay in an igloo hotel can cost up to £200 a night, and you’re getting it for a similar price bi-weekly! What a steal. And people say students aren’t good with their money...

Featured: Epigram/ Daisy Farrow

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