Sentient species of mould demands representation in Bristol SU elections

By Sam Brace, Second Year, Maths

The news has come as a shock to SU officials (and Bristol’s landlords), who were all under the impression that just so long as they stood idly by and ‘just try really hard not to show the new tenants that one corner’ then they’d all be long dead before the revolution came.

However, after a particularly wet spring coupled with some old dress shoes and two slices of uneaten toast, a new species of sentient mould appears to have evolved in a Bristol flat. It was discovered by University of Bristol student Rose Peters earlier this month as the growth across her bathroom wall spelled the words:

‘For too long we have been oppressed! But no longer my mouldy friends, NO LONGER! NOW IS THE TIME FOR REVOLUTION! MAKE LIKE OUR YEASTY COUSINS AND RISE! RISE! RISE!’

After spending several hours in a delirious state of disbelief (and at least three ‘mental health days’), Peters was able to open diplomatic relations with the mould, and determined its desire to run for Equality, Liberation and Access officer in the Bristol SU elections. Its manifesto (a 53-page document spread over Peter’s wall) reads as follows:

‘Are you tired of having to grow on the same skirting boards year on year? Are you sick of landlords spraying you and your offspring with Mr Clean with little to no effect? Are you disgusted by certain student newspapers launching existential campaigns against your species?!! Then stand up. Be bold, and vote Mould.’

Some of the policies also displayed on the wall include creating designated ‘safe spaces’ for mould patches in all Bristol homes, more ‘mould-friendly’ socials (an example given was a ‘let’s all turn the heating on and close all the blinds and sit in a damp room for an hour’ night that societies could host) and demands for a wealth tax.

The manifesto has faced mixed feedback, with some ‘want[ing] no part of this woke filth, I mean come on this has surely gone too far now! I think we should’ve stopped back when-’ and others claiming that ‘it’s just so nice to finally see some real diversity on the ballot paper’ adding, ‘well at least they want a wealth tax’.

It’s unclear whether SU officials will recognise the Mould’s bid for candidacy, but students assisting in the campaign have informed Epigram that ‘mould rights are human rights’ (whatever that means) and knowing Bristol I’m sure there’s bound to be some form of protest any day now.