By Sam Brace, Second Year, Mathematics, and Eddie Matthews, Second Year, Mathematics
This article is satire. It is intended for entertainment, and any resemblance to factual events is purely coincidental.
New ‘ideally located’ Bristol accommodation to open in Outer Hebrides next year.
Unite Students announced earlier this week their plans to open the new ‘Norse Village’ which will be open to students in September 2026.
Described on their website as a ‘ideally located accommodation, build with students who prefer the quieter side of university living in mind’, the 1000-bed complex is set span the length of Eilean Mhealasta, a small but not insignificant island on the northern edge of the archipelago measuring ~1km in diameter.
‘A short 681 miles to central campus (or 700 miles to Langford), this accommodation allows students to enjoy the tranquillity of the British countryside whilst still giving them the ability to experience all Bristol has to offer.’
The new complex boasts two squash courts, a cinema room, a karaoke room and 1000 complimentary kettles in case of a hot water outage. However, due to council by-laws only 5 parking spaces are available for student use in 15-minute intervals. The U1 bus pass is not included in this accommodation package.
Unite Students were granted special permits by the university to build Norse Village after students voiced concerns that the university had been ‘insufficient’ in its attempts to deal with the Bristol housing crisis. However, critics argue that they don’t really have any idea how this is going to help at all.
Francesca Elliot
It’s clear Unite Students hopes that Norse Village will stand on the shoulder of giants, but sceptics argue that these foundations may already be crumbing…
Featured image: Sam Brace
