Pierre Pompidou's Guide to Seduction

Monsieur Pompidou – France’s most revered sexpert – shares advice on how to seduce anyone you desire.

Are you a disgusting, unattractive, unlovable, weasel-faced nincompoop? So was I once.

Yes, dear reader, there was a time when I was not so young and easy under the apple boughs. For years I lived in solitude, walking the streets of Paris alone, with no one to call my own.

But after taking enough laudanum to kill a rhino (or some other large mammal), I discovered the key to winning the heart of any woman you desire! It’s a tried and tested method, which has worked just as well as blokes. Therefore, I can’t be accused of sexism. Ha – got you cornered now, feminists!

So, strap in (or strap on?) as we journey through fragrant corridors of love.

First, give her a long, hard stare
Hold your horses, buckaroo! Once you’ve picked your flower from the garden of delights, resist approaching her. First off, you need give a long, hard stare. Conceal yourself from sight behind a bush or large butcher-like man. Make sure she’s aware of your presence in the periphery of her mind. The optimal time you should spend gazing at her is between 30 and 35 minutes.

Epigram / Jordan Barker

Compliment her ankles
Women love compliments, and they love nothing more than when a man compliments her ankles. Times may have changed, but everyone throughout history has known that the most erotic part of a woman is her ankles.

So, start off by saying something like: “My, what lovely ankles you have, m’lady!” or “Gee willikers, them’s be the mightiest fine ankles I seen in a long time, mhmm!” No doubt this utterance will overwhelm her with sexual desire.

But a woman is more than a pair of ankles. Much more. Make sure you quickly establish an appreciation for her intellect by complimenting whatever moral theory she subscribes to.

Charm her with your knowledge of mechanised warfare
To make a lasting impression, charm her with your extensive knowledge of mechanised warfare. You’ll appear modern, intelligent and powerful, like Elon Musk or Jeremy Clarkson. Mechanised warfare is a huge turn on for ladies of all times and places, except those who died before the end of the 19th century.

So, fire a few facts about tanks her way! Also, whisper “War is hell, war is hell” in her ear, so she understands the full extent to your suffering during the great battles you fought in the trenches.

Paint her portrait
Ladies love artistic types, so always have a paint brush to hand during the seduction process. Painting can be a difficult task, so make it as abstract as possible. That way, she won’t be able to tell that you’ve got the artistic talent of a paraplegic kitten.

You don’t need to be Leonardo da Vinci to be a Leonardo DiCaprio!

Epigram / Jordan Barker

Regale her with tales from your adventures on the high seas
The Sea! She be a cruel mistress. To tame the sea is to have conquered the passions of all women. Regale your lady with tales of love and loss that you experienced on the high seas. Don’t mention that bit where you

Finally, offer her a sausage
Time to seal the deal. Offer the lady a sausage. It can be a meat-based sausage or something a bit more cosmopolitan, like one of those Linda McCartney sausages you see nowadays. Offering a sausage is a very subtle way of saying: “Yes, I would like to go to the boudoir with you, and give those ankles a good seeing to.”

Epigram / Jordan Barker

Featured image: Epigram / Jordan Barker