By Beth Robinson, SciTech Deputy Editor
This article is satire. It is intended for entertainment, and any resemblance to factual events is purely coincidental.
A professor at the University of Bristol has filed a complaint following an incident he described as a 'criminally intimidating breach of etiquette’ in his lecture hall. Professor James Miles, a senior lecturer in the Department of Physics, who has spent the last 10 years perfecting the art of the ‘elusive academic gaze’, was left seething after Lilly Grahams, a third year Physics student, dared to reciprocate eye contact during a particularly intense lecture on dark matter.
In the complaint, Miles writes ‘it wasn't just the ridiculousness of the eye contact, but the long and deliberate smile that followed, which was, quite frankly, an act of aggression and violation of the power dynamic I've worked so hard to achieve.’ He went on to describe how ‘one second, I was looking at my notes, the next second I was looking at her (Grahams’) smile. It made me forget everything I thought I knew about reality, and that's saying a lot. For the first time I felt seen, and that's obviously completely unacceptable.’
‘I know how to make an atomic bomb for goodness sake - these kids really shouldn't be testing me!’
Grahams, the student in question, said ‘this weird stand-off has been going on for almost three years now. I was just thinking surely, I can get his attention somehow - I came to Bristol to learn, I don't want to spend almost £10,000 per year to sit in silence, I'd like some level of engagement. I don't want that money wasted,’ a comment reportedly met by gasps from senior university administration.
The following week, a quivering university spokesperson said ‘whilst we believe in the right of freedom of eye contact for all students and staff and believe this can foster healthy dialogue, this must remain within the bounds of the University's code of conduct.’ It remains unclear at this time as to whether this code has been breached.
The incident was met with mixed responses, with one student commenting ‘it wasn't just a smile, it was a smile-smile, a solid five seconds of awkwardness. It was kind of beautiful, but pretty scary stuff,’ and another saying ‘it's my bin day, sorry, can't stop.’ Some academics have spoken out in support of Miles, with Dr Petter Jones, a lecturer in the Department of Economics, remarking, ‘It's pure entitlement. Students are now expecting human interaction, rather than looking at our carefully curated PowerPoint slides. It really is a dangerous and scary trajectory for us all.’
Sam Brace
Miles, still furious, has accused the University of ‘looking the other way’ and has stated that moving forwards, all students should wear sunglasses and face masks in his lectures, to help support a ‘return to normalcy’ and ‘so that nothing like this can ever happen again.’ In a moment of rage, he was also overheard shouting ‘I know how to make an atomic bomb for goodness sake - these kids really shouldn't be testing me!’
The outcome of Miles' complaint is expected to be revealed within the next year or so, and with Grahams set to graduate soon, it remains unclear as to the ripple effect her actions may have across the department and indeed the wider university.
Featured Image: Epigram / Romina Treviño
Have you ever seen what's behind that mask your supervisor never seems to take off?
