By Natalie Payne, Community Subeditor
This article is satire. It is intended for entertainment, and any resemblance to factual events is purely coincidental.
Amid fears of a national emergency, government minister Noah Countability has spoken to Epigram, advising that students should stock up on what they can’t live without – nicotine. New advice expected to be officially released in the coming weeks will encourage students to plan ahead, making sure to account for drunk cigs as well as how many people may be sharing one vape. The recommendation will be part of new national guidance on how to best prepare for a large-scale crisis and comes after a summer of heat waves that damaged crops and provided a dark glimpse into our future.
According to the minister, the section of the guidance dedicated to University of Bristol students also recommends a sufficient supply of Gail’s sourdough bread. Despite its hefty price, the loaf from the harbinger of gentrification is a staple in many students’ diets; second-year student Minty Bendicks said to Epigram, ‘I go to Gail’s more than I go to my lectures, not having access would be the worst effect of climate change that humanity could face.’
Another Bristol classic that will be mentioned is Old Bristolian cider, with Countability explaining that ‘the Hope and Anchor is a pub loved by many. Of course, the apple and pear cider should be first choice, but we have concerns that its popularity could spark violence and an eventual societal collapse. We went for the Old Bristolian because its divisive taste makes it a last resort for some students, and its strength means that less is required to help people forget about the realities of the climate crisis. It’s all about efficiency.’
The minister went on to highlight a focus on ‘national resilience’ and ‘community’ in these recommendations, adding that ‘the only way we can get through a catastrophic event is together, whether that’s through helping your mate find normal filters because they don’t like menthols, or downgrading to a half pint for ration longevity, it’s important to work with others.’ He also said that students shouldn’t panic and should instead look at this as a way to improve their LinkedIn profiles, as many of the skills developed during these kinds of emergencies are also a part of the Bristol Skills Profile.
Felix Pitman
Naturally, the new guidance won’t only affect University of Bristol students. An anonymous Bristol shop owner has said that they are having to order in hundreds of additional lemon and lime crystal bars to deal with demand. Speaking to Epigram, they said that they wouldn’t resent the influx of new customers, adding that with enough extra support stemming from the recommendations, they could be convinced to stop selling fake cigarettes.
News of the forthcoming advice will undoubtedly unsettle students who already struggle to afford their weekly shop, bringing into question why the government is placing the responsibility of survival into the hands of the people. Controversially, plans for more oil and gas drilling in the North Sea are expected to be approved in the near future, which may lead students to wonder how the government can feel justified in choosing the fossil fuel industry over the welfare of its countrymen.
Featured Image: 'Nicotine Pouches' / Epigram | Romina Treviño
What would you stock-pile?
