Coping with anxiety: what has helped me?

By Grace Williams, Third Year, Experimental Psychology

Third Year student Grace Williams discusses her University journey with a severe anxiety disorder and how things improved.

I am a third year student and it is only now that I am coming into my element. First and second year for me were more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I found myself wondering why no one had warned me that University was not necessarily going to be the ‘best years of my life’? In fact, for a long time it felt like the worst years of my life. Why did no one tell me there were other options? Why wasn’t I ‘normal’ and having the time of my life?

These were all questions I asked myself multiple times a day for my first two years at University. I suffered from a severe anxiety disorder, which seemed to spiral out of nowhere. It started when I would spend more and more time alone in my room. Then I started missing lectures, convincing myself that I could focus more on my work by myself in my room. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed academically. Now, with no distinction between ‘work’ and ‘play’ I ended up spending all my time working and no time with my friends or doing things I love.

They put me on beta-blockers – a medication that reduces the physiological symptoms of anxiety. But as a psychology student, I knew that I needed to seek therapy to reach a long-lasting solution.

I began suffering panic attacks whenever I strayed from my usual routine. By the time second year came around I had constant chest pain, nausea and to be frank – the shits. The scariest times were when I would walk down the street and be looking around for people holding knives and guns, convinced that I was going to die. I could not get in a car or a bus or a train without crying hysterically and thinking I was going to die.

These irrational thoughts totally consumed me. A real turning point for me was when I nearly called an ambulance for myself because I thought I was having a heart attack. It felt totally real at the time but my boyfriend managed to calm me down and I went to the doctors the next day. They put me on beta-blockers – a medication that reduces the physiological symptoms of anxiety. But as a psychology student, I knew that I needed to seek therapy to reach a long-lasting solution. The one problem with this was that I was absolutely terrified of going to therapy.

Photo by Epigram / Jasmine Burke

I am so thankful that I showed up to my student counselling session, even though it took all the strength I had at the time to override the anxious thoughts I was having. The sessions I went to changed my life so much for the better. They helped me push myself to take care of myself. I began doing yoga from videos on YouTube, meditation every night and forcing myself to get out the house and see my friends for coffee dates at Boston Tea Party.

But I still wasn’t quite there yet. I still had days where I didn’t leave my bedroom and cut myself off from my friends. I was so angry and frustrated with the world. I wanted to disappear. I just couldn’t see a way out of this awful hole I was in.

The sessions I went to changed my life so much for the better. They helped me push myself to take care of myself.

But each time I fell down I somehow picked myself back up and kept pushing. I stopped taking my medication after I realized that it was actually flattening my mood and numbing me way too much. I also came off the hormonal contraception I was on – I had no idea how much this was affecting my mental health! Ladies, if you are on hormonal contraception and are feeling extremely anxious, I would urge you to give your body a break for a bit.

Now I have been practicing self-care and been off my medication and hormonal contraception for about 5 months and I have never felt better. The biggest test for me was when my Grandpa passed away a month ago. I was so scared that my anxiety was going to come back. But with great relief I realised that all my feelings about his death were rational and it gave me the push to live my life like my Grandpa would have wanted. He was a man of intelligence, but also an extremely sociable person that enjoyed entertaining his friends and family so much. He had the balance so right, and I know he would be so proud of the balance I have finally achieved.

Photo by Epigram / Grace Williams

I can now say for the first time since starting University that I am HAPPY. I found a way out with a lot of hard work and support from my friends, family and the team at the university. Reach out to someone. But also, it is so important to check up on your friends because when people are really struggling, they may not feel able to initiate a conversation about it.

Please never ever give up, because all things are temporary and no matter what state your mental health is in, it is possible to recover.

Featured Image: Epigram / Jasmine Burke