By Sam Brace, Deputy Editor of The Bristle
For the past months, not yet Academy Award winning actor Timothée Chalamet has been parading around like a buffoon in order to promote his latest film Marty Supreme (2025), in which he plays a ping pong ball (allegedly, I haven't seen it). Many have speculated how this will sway a panel of independent judges in favour of awarding Chalamet with Best Actor, however experts revealed to The Bristle their thoughts that this may be an attempt to make everyone forget that any other films even came out this year.
In a final effort to get Chalamet over the line, the team behind Marty Supreme managed to convince the academy to let a ping pong ball host the awards, with voiceover from the late great Catherine O’Hara (best known for her role in Home Alone 2 (1992), in which she upstages Joe Pesci like nobody's business). In an exclusive post-mortem ouija board interview, O’Hara told The Bristle that she’d been visited by the evil spirit Maphisto (apparently he's ‘working freelance for Hollywood now’) who offered her the role with a ‘hearty bonus if Chalamet takes the biscuit.'
Felix Glanville
Although Satan’s latest ploy against the new world order has been unsuccessful (with Michael B. Jordan taking home the award) it's unclear if any other of his henchmen are on Hollywood’s payroll. It also remains to be seen what sport Chalamet may try to turn into a movie next, but fears of shot put practice between scenes will surely be keeping the team behind Dune 3 awake at night.
Featured Image: Unsplash / Samuel Ramos
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