‘You want me to destroy the hills?’ – Count Binface is ready to serve Bristol.
By Annie McNamee, Co-Editor-in-Chief
He’s conquered galaxies and beaten fascists, but now Count Binface is embarking on his most difficult challenge yet: coming bin-to-face with the British general public.
Things have changed since he first landed here in the UK, way back in 2018. In his six years here on Earth (which, he reminds me, is a holiday resort for him) he has made it his mission to save us from ourselves, and stand against prime ministers and mayors alike. 2024 has, ‘been such a year for intergalactic politics,’ he says, ‘I finished sixth in the general election – my highest ever result. It was so high that the BBC had to put me on their graphics. That was very nice.’
In the wake of all this success he has decided to embark on a journey across the country to hear directly from us, the people, but most of all to ‘celebrate democracy’ one city at a time.
Even all the glitz and glam of space travel can’t save the Count from technical difficulties, and although his camera is off when we sit down to chat on a Friday morning, his passion is evident. Perhaps back on his home planet, Sigma IX, they’re simply more emotive than we are here in the UK, or maybe the distance makes him able to discuss the current state of the country with the incredulity it deserves; either way he’s definitely the most straight-to-the-point politician of our time.
But the most surprising thing isn’t his lack of elusive answers, it’s a genuine respect for the student population. ‘It’s a terrible time for students. How you find the wherewithal to live at all while you’re studying is incredible,’ he says. So what would he do to help us out? Quite a lot, actually.
Housing is a huge issue to students at the moment. Rent is high and the quality of flats is generally quite low, but Binface has a solution: ‘I want to build one single affordable home.
‘That will be helpful for you because in the current situation I’d imagine a student might hear that and think “one affordable house is accommodation for about 25 undergraduates.” I’d requisition the homes of royals and oligarchs to end homelessness, but I think we could also use some of that to help out the student housing crisis.’ And that’s not all. ‘I’ve also got further plans afoot.'
‘I want to sort the tuition fees – that would save you some cash,’ the Count explains when I ask what he thinks about the prospect of universities potentially raising fees for home students. ‘It’s disgusting how your tertiary education has been treated,’ he tells me. ‘I want all student tuition fees paid for by Nick Clegg. I used to say it should be any politician who ever voted for them, but I’m now moving towards old ‘Cleggy paying the lot… I have a visceral hatred for that man.’
Nick Clegg and his former cabinet-mates David Cameron and George Osborne may have a space reserved ‘in the phantom zone’ if the galactic traveller ever gets his way, but not all politicians will end up in purgatory under his watch. ‘I have a lot of time for the Greens,’ the alien explains, ‘huge congratulations to Carla Denyer, it’s great to see that representation in Bristol as well as just Brighton. I’m here to put rocket boosters on their attempts to stabilise catastrophic climate change.’
For a man with the face of a trash can, he’s very passionate about keeping the planet clean. ‘I cannot understand why you humans have this desire to destroy your own planet. I’m lucky, I can go home when I want– coming to Earth is my light relief from ruling the Sigma quadrant– I even get the odd person asking “Can I come with you?” and I go “No, piss off”. You lot don’t know how to look after a planet!’ he laments.
The Count Binface Party conference national tour will be the first time the alien will set foot in Bristol, but he’s already coming up with solutions to our city’s biggest issue: the hills. Although at first he seems unsure about how to fix such a big problem – ‘Do you want me to… destroy the hills?’ he asks doubtfully – he is quickly able to come up with some creative solutions.
‘I’m a big fan of segways,’ he says, seemingly excited just by the concept of the two-wheeled transporters. ‘I could invest in segways, and put them at the bottom of the hills. Plus then I could do segway racing as an alternative to Formula 1. Imagine Max Verstappen and Lando Norris cruising around Bristol on segways. It could be called the Bristol Segway Experience – BSE.’ Now that’s big picture thinking. Take notes, Keir Starmer.
It’s obvious that this Bin is overflowing with high quality policies, but when I offer the Count a chance to speak directly to you, the students of Bristol, he’s got one simple message: ‘On behalf of your parents’ generation, sorry.’
‘You’re the first generation to be worse off than your parents, that’s disgusting. I want you to know that I’m on your side. I think you students will agree with me that Brexit, maybe not the best idea, and statistically those who voted for it are now dead. They’ve bequeathed you with a right old sh*tshow.’
Oh, and vote. ‘There are forces trying to degrade democracy. I want the good students of Bristol to celebrate democracy with me, and vote,’ he enthuses, ‘whoever you are, vote.’
Students, Count Binface is on your side from all the way across the galaxy.
Count Binface is the creation of comic writer Jon Harvey, who has written for shows like Have I Got News For You, Only Connect, and the Thick of It. Whether in Binface or ‘human avatar’ mode, he’s creating sharp satires exposing the absurdity of today’s political landscape.