Living Editor, Johnny Thalassites, explains why he wants to muddy the waters this month with a ‘Spring un-clean’
Spring is actually a debauched, wild and riotous little season – or, at least, that’s how I like to imagine it. Yes, forget the tripe of old tropes. ‘Healthy body, healthy mind’ and all the rest can go to heck. Spring cleaning is a saccharine little thing, but it is deathly dull. I prefer to think of the wanton, depraved acts we could be pressing on with in Spring. That is why I have constructed a few options to carry you, bacchanalian, towards the summer. Some of the things that you can do to make your life more tawdry, unclean and uncouth over the coming weeks. Spring Un-cleaning, if you will.
Insanity, Einstein explains, is: ‘doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results.’ Now, consider the following: Good Samaritan that you are, you clean the house’s plates and make up the kitchen. And yet, tomorrow, home after a long day procrastinating, the dishes need washing. They are not just unclean, a sort of benign muck – they are dirty, ravaged by lunches and dinners since your last scrub. In this instance, how can you justify washing dishes again? If when you get home from the library, time and again the plates need washing – despite your well-intentioned exertions the previous night – then what are you really achieving? You are cleaning your cutlery, only for it to be dirtied anew.
This is the worst kind of futility. Instead, this Spring, say knickers to the pessimists and shucks to the gloomsters. Leave your plates unclean after meals. Actually, dirty a few extra plates for good measure. Maybe go one better – do like the Greeks and smash a few plates! Tell your pals it’s just a custom over there, because it really is. And not only will you have won the argument, you’ll have painted those fools into a narrow-minded and xenophobic little corner, as they stew in their cultural ignorance.
There are cute things, lovely things, romantic things, that you can do TODAY to begin actually clouding your judgment. Indeed, there are few cheaper and more thrilling ways to make a real change in your life than to just start thrashing around university like a testosterone-infused stag bounding towards a mate. Spring is Gold-Rush season, and you can begin living down to expectations TODAY. Single? Sleep with the gal on your floor in halls, or the gal in your favourite society, or that gal in Mbargo’s. You’ll feel conflicted, immediately, first of all. Or hungover. More than that, though, you’ll simply be tired. Because, if you’re doing it right, you won’t have got much sleep, anyway.
And that essay? Don’t bother. There’s a bloodlessness to student metronomes, churning out thousands of coherent, if unspectacular, words a term. Don’t join the hordes, passing through on their ways to PWC and EY. It isn’t worth it. Get your leg over or go for a walk. Do something – just don’t do your degree work. You’ll be stressed and feel a profound sense of drift in no time. And that’s just the start, before you begin to feel anxious and without place in the world.
This one unites the previous two ideas. It’s a fun one, trust me. There’s actually a quicker way to un-clean your environment and your mind – and it might even help you sleep with that gal from Mbargo’s. Just throw a party. I’ve always been sceptical that there’s strength in numbers. But hey, maybe there is something to the whole two – or 200 – hands being better than one. Invite the masses to your house. In no time, I am sure that not only will pint glasses and cups be dirtied, but furniture might be, too. It’s genuinely possible – and you don’t even have to un-clean your home yourself this way.
Plus, with so many revelers at your pad, you can drink, too. You know, beer. I’ve written about it before – as I’m sure you know. But it’s great, beer. I’m actually writing this between pints. Still, if you throw a party, you can un-clean your mind by drinking! It impairs your judgment and might even help you forget about that gal or that essay. So that’s the whole ‘un-clean mind’ thing done, as well – your judgment impaired in just a few pints. But the way in which, significantly, parties can wreck your body is that they ruin your next day. You’ll wake up late and you won’t go to the gym. If you’re lucky, you won’t have eaten much dinner before the pre and you won’t have had much water before bed, either. You’ll feel groggy and fatigued. You’ll feel starved and dehydrated. You might even feel randy and impotent. Which that gal will just love. This is an unusual combination – and it is one that without careful debauchery via all the methods described, is hard to obtain.
If I’m honest, just writing this cantankerous, little prose has made me feel a bit less clean, a bit less angelic and a bit less incorruptible. I’m normally a guy of really unimpeachable morals. But penning this damned article, I feel corrupted. Which suggests that if preaching these un-clean ideals can weigh you down, practicing them can surely have a real effect on you. I am confident that if you follow my advice, you, too, can engage with Spring Un-Cleaning in a pretty big way. Good luck; stay safe and grow un-clean.
Spring clean or Spring un-clean? Respond!